Love this and resonant with it SO much. I’m 41, had a purity ring, was all about “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” and was in 5 weddings by my 21st birthday.
So you know, normal stuff.
And I am just learning what it could mean to date in an authentic way. Still dealing with 40 years of pressurized expectation. But I am thankful to have HONEST married friends, who are real about the struggle it is to join two sinners in a life together. Wonderful? Yes. Super-painful with lots of compromise and unmet needs? Obviously.
I’m thankful for your continued voice on this topic, which is so often overlooked, glossed over, and ill-understood! When all’s said and done, I love being single and until God says otherwise, I am good with the situation I find myself in.
I believe there are millions like you and me. The imposition of purity culture is nothing less than a tragedy and something I am coming to terms with and working through at the moment as well (at 40 years old). I wish you all the good fortune in the world moving out of this mindset and into something that actually makes sense.
Yeah, I hear you. I left the faith for a variety of reasons, none of them having to do with Jesus or his teachings. In retrospect I can think of no way the church fucked me up more than in romance, sexuality, and emotional intimacy. My VERY patient wife has helped a lot, but WOW was I still a child at age 35 with regard to to romantic relationships.
I hope you don’t publish this but I have to say something…I grew up in a cult like church, never did the purity ring thing, probably because any mention of sex was about as wicked as one could get. So that being said, at age ten or 11 my grandfather gave me oral sex. Had no idea what was happening, just ended up sharing a bed with him on vacation and he used this as an opportunity to abuse me I guess. Never said a word, just let it happen. At age 13, my own father exposed himself erect to me on a “date” night. We were holding hands at the time too. So gross! Soon afterwards he invited me to his bedroom since mom wasn’t home, but thankfully I was fairly grown up by then and politely declined. He never persisted except for some awkward glances at me and some excessive touching at times. Just had that image in my head my whole life. But again, sex wasn’t talked about and people like my mom would shun me if I ever asked about it. So I end up getting married at age 20 to the first person I ever dated. 3 years in I cheated on him with his best friend. It only happened once but I think I needed it to relieve the pressure of marriage. I never told him and I don’t have to worry about his friend telling. When you cannot sleep with someone before marriage, you really don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. I doubt I’ll ever cheat again, but sometimes I think it goes all the way back to the abuse from my grandfather. I certainly didn’t think he’d ever do what he did and in that moment, like the affair I had, it’s something beyond that I cannot explain. But the real bad, like what happened with my father could also keep me in check too. Thanks for listening. I really enjoy your writing! Jess
The outrage I feel reading this. . .the absolute fury. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Matthew 18:6-7 but I believe that verse is how God feels about men like your ‘father’ and ‘grandfather’. I’m so sorry. Wishing you peace and abundant blessings.
I've only been a Christian for about 3 years now and there's only one church that resonates with me and it's too far away for me to attend regularly. So I have zero experience dating Christians or meeting single women in Church. I've been out of the dating scene for a long time and while I have no interest in "modern dating" I find your perspective interesting to read about. Thanks for sharing. Here's a link to a new song I just wrote called "Flat Earth Girl." I think not all Christians believe in flat earth but most flat earthers are Christians. Bible believing Christians believe in the Creation story as told in Genesis, no? Any flat earth Christian girls in Los Angeles, come and find me, I got one spot open for a one woman one man relationship. https://twitter.com/NinjaBlogSecret/status/1641186867403169792
I’m 57, became a Christian in college, spent my 20s and 30s working for a ministry and became a denominational gypsy looking for somewhere to belong where people didn’t get all fanboy/fangirl when I told them where I worked. I didn’t date. As I got older I watched they guys in church my age chasing women 10+ years younger while I was just a “sister in Christ”. Met my ex-husband online and made a lot of bad decisions because I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t have healthy dating relationship experience and hadn’t seen healthy relationships in the Church. Plus I am an introvert, which makes it harder to build connections. Now it feels too late. I struggle with being furious at the Church and Christianity for not actually caring about relationships and being healthy in them more than the agenda of churchianity. I wish I had just said eff it to the rules and lived my life open to whomever. Maybe I would have a family if I had done that. I will probably die alone and forgotten because what value have I at my age, unless I want to be a good church lady (which I do not because I don’t want to be a workhorse). That’s what the church and world have shown me.
Love this and resonant with it SO much. I’m 41, had a purity ring, was all about “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” and was in 5 weddings by my 21st birthday.
So you know, normal stuff.
And I am just learning what it could mean to date in an authentic way. Still dealing with 40 years of pressurized expectation. But I am thankful to have HONEST married friends, who are real about the struggle it is to join two sinners in a life together. Wonderful? Yes. Super-painful with lots of compromise and unmet needs? Obviously.
I’m thankful for your continued voice on this topic, which is so often overlooked, glossed over, and ill-understood! When all’s said and done, I love being single and until God says otherwise, I am good with the situation I find myself in.
And it only took 41 years to feel that way. 😂
This is so so so good !!🔥
Thank you so much
I believe there are millions like you and me. The imposition of purity culture is nothing less than a tragedy and something I am coming to terms with and working through at the moment as well (at 40 years old). I wish you all the good fortune in the world moving out of this mindset and into something that actually makes sense.
Yeah, I hear you. I left the faith for a variety of reasons, none of them having to do with Jesus or his teachings. In retrospect I can think of no way the church fucked me up more than in romance, sexuality, and emotional intimacy. My VERY patient wife has helped a lot, but WOW was I still a child at age 35 with regard to to romantic relationships.
I hope you don’t publish this but I have to say something…I grew up in a cult like church, never did the purity ring thing, probably because any mention of sex was about as wicked as one could get. So that being said, at age ten or 11 my grandfather gave me oral sex. Had no idea what was happening, just ended up sharing a bed with him on vacation and he used this as an opportunity to abuse me I guess. Never said a word, just let it happen. At age 13, my own father exposed himself erect to me on a “date” night. We were holding hands at the time too. So gross! Soon afterwards he invited me to his bedroom since mom wasn’t home, but thankfully I was fairly grown up by then and politely declined. He never persisted except for some awkward glances at me and some excessive touching at times. Just had that image in my head my whole life. But again, sex wasn’t talked about and people like my mom would shun me if I ever asked about it. So I end up getting married at age 20 to the first person I ever dated. 3 years in I cheated on him with his best friend. It only happened once but I think I needed it to relieve the pressure of marriage. I never told him and I don’t have to worry about his friend telling. When you cannot sleep with someone before marriage, you really don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. I doubt I’ll ever cheat again, but sometimes I think it goes all the way back to the abuse from my grandfather. I certainly didn’t think he’d ever do what he did and in that moment, like the affair I had, it’s something beyond that I cannot explain. But the real bad, like what happened with my father could also keep me in check too. Thanks for listening. I really enjoy your writing! Jess
The outrage I feel reading this. . .the absolute fury. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Matthew 18:6-7 but I believe that verse is how God feels about men like your ‘father’ and ‘grandfather’. I’m so sorry. Wishing you peace and abundant blessings.
I've only been a Christian for about 3 years now and there's only one church that resonates with me and it's too far away for me to attend regularly. So I have zero experience dating Christians or meeting single women in Church. I've been out of the dating scene for a long time and while I have no interest in "modern dating" I find your perspective interesting to read about. Thanks for sharing. Here's a link to a new song I just wrote called "Flat Earth Girl." I think not all Christians believe in flat earth but most flat earthers are Christians. Bible believing Christians believe in the Creation story as told in Genesis, no? Any flat earth Christian girls in Los Angeles, come and find me, I got one spot open for a one woman one man relationship. https://twitter.com/NinjaBlogSecret/status/1641186867403169792
I’m 57, became a Christian in college, spent my 20s and 30s working for a ministry and became a denominational gypsy looking for somewhere to belong where people didn’t get all fanboy/fangirl when I told them where I worked. I didn’t date. As I got older I watched they guys in church my age chasing women 10+ years younger while I was just a “sister in Christ”. Met my ex-husband online and made a lot of bad decisions because I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t have healthy dating relationship experience and hadn’t seen healthy relationships in the Church. Plus I am an introvert, which makes it harder to build connections. Now it feels too late. I struggle with being furious at the Church and Christianity for not actually caring about relationships and being healthy in them more than the agenda of churchianity. I wish I had just said eff it to the rules and lived my life open to whomever. Maybe I would have a family if I had done that. I will probably die alone and forgotten because what value have I at my age, unless I want to be a good church lady (which I do not because I don’t want to be a workhorse). That’s what the church and world have shown me.
Please don't give up Michelle! You have value and are not too old to find love. I can't promise it but I know you are worthy!